It's a hollow play but they'll clap anyway....

This past trip to Tampa was an eye-opening experience to say the least. My family, as always, was gracious and welcoming, and it made me regret all of my teenage adled moments where I told them I hated them. They took me in and nurtured me in a way that I cannot begin to fully understand or appreciate. Until I have a family of my own, I guess. Which I've never really thought about before. My Mother, being the watcher of us all, apparently does. While watching Top Chef one night my Mother casually mentioned to me, "I was really hoping you'd settle down with this boyfriend and give me some grandchildren." Bear in mind that my Mother, like most people, hates the idea of aging. Therefore, she has never mentioned the idea of grandkids before. Nor has she ever met my NY boyfriend. I found this seemingly flippant remark rather poignant considering she's never cared before. This struck in me an adult defnining moment that I had yet to have with my own mother.

Wait...rewind.

I'm approaching the doors of the Orphuem. My former life. My sanctuary and home for many years. My panic stricken mind is wondering if anyone inside of this place will remember me. A small contribution I made, sure. A mere four years of my life were spent over that sweltering well of generic booze, swathed in the stories of other people's lives. Then I get through the front door and am greeted like a friend. The panic subsides. All of my years here have not gone to the ghost world. I walk around and greet familiar faces. At first I enjoy this welcome sense of recognition. Then my friend introduces me to someone with the line, "She used to work here but she's gone on to bigger and better things." I was struck by the lightning Tampa Bay is famous for. While I may not be doing everything I want with my life the perception is that I have moved on. Every person I greeted with warmth was suddenly asking how my new life is. I'd forgotten that I really have let this place go.

Rewind even further.

My boyfriend and I broke up almost a month ago. It was affable enough, but obviously one-sided. I told him I needed to explore. I was not content to be somebody's girlfriend. For the first time in my adult life I am not obsessing about guys. Or my relationship. Or an impending relationship. Or pining after someone. Or just needing my bed to be filled in order to feel validated. And I looked over at this man, whom I love, and realized that I don't really know him. And he doesn't really know me. With this newfound sense of freedom that I have never before felt, wouldn't it make more sense to compromise this sudden desire for independence only for someone whom you can truly not live without? If this is the first time in your life you are content to be alone, shouldn't you only allow an exception for the person whose face you cannot bear to keep your hands away from? Whose skin has soft melodies sifting off of it that only you can hear? Whose mouth, when it opens to smile, you can see your whole destiny in?

With that in mind...

My Mother asking me for grandkids seems absurd. However, it puts into place everything I feel my life should currently be.

But for me. And only me.