You do it to yourself....

When you incur a debt from God you eventually have to pay for it. I grew up the tomboy who played sports, loved music, made fart jokes, and wrestled with the neighbor’s dogs. I also had long blonde hair and an easy smile. I was oblivious to the fact that boys did not necessarily hang out with me just because I happened to hit a mean curve ball. Over the years of my youth I had to have several, “I’m sorry you like me but we’re just friends” conversations. Too many for my comfort, truth be told. Moments of awkwardness in parked cars puffing a joint, outside front stoops easing your way into the easy joy of a first cigarette puff, a collective LSD trip moment where the collective consciousness of the group trip was ruined with the worst seven words in the English language, "I want to be more than friends." I dreaded that moment. And everytime it happened I braced myself in my next male relationship to wonder if it would happen again. Or the other inevitable, which is that they obtain the girlfriend that they obviously want and cast you into the dead seaweed of the ocean that fisherman dread having to get out of their lines. Usually they do this because their girlfriends feel threatened by your close relationship with said friend and you don't happen to be bad looking. I always felt bad and it usually resulted in the end of the friendship, or at least a death of the comfort that existed between me and the guy it happened with. I am not trying to sound arrogant in this regard it is just what my experience has been.

And then I fell in love. And it was with the entirely wrong person who did not love me back and made that apparent on every level that he possibly could, physically forcing me out of his life when the opportunity arose. But then he dissipated. From the sudden world changing nowhere that he rose he returned and I never knew where that spot was. I just (slowly and painfully) found a peace with not knowing where he came from in my life. It also made me question whether or not he had ever been real. I never had to face him. I never had to look up into his beautiful face and realize with longing that this was someone I could never have. I did not have to confront the very deep realization that I had to sit next to someone I pined for so much that their very presence illuminated the shadow of loneliness that I felt. I’ve made it a point my whole life to not stay friends with people for whom I had feelings knowing that it does nothing but ruin your self-worth and make you feel insignificant. So I never had to feel what those guys felt for me. I valued my own worth enough to put my feelings before theirs and pull my friendship when necessary to spare myself the waterboarding torture that is unrequited emotions.

Until now. Days where you spend time together turn into endlessly excruciating events where you ache and remember those moments of lying in bed together with your legs so tangled you don’t know whose belong to who and the only solution is to find their lips with yours to further the spider web that is your bodies. The soft feel of their chest under your fingers and the lingering looks of adoration that make others jealous and lift the corners of your mouth all day when you think of their hands pressed into your hair while you hold each other. Then it ends and you’re left to wonder why.

In some of these unfortunate situations a friendship occurs because of those moments when you felt close to them and confided in them. As a person who frequently finds it difficult to open up to anything more than a blank, anonymous computer screen it is rare to meet a kindred spirit that you can feel at ease sharing with. So you cherish that familiarity. But it comes with a heavy and impossible to pay price. Like student loans. You still look at that guy with the adoration that you feel, knowing you are merely a mortal person who is incapable of quelling that desire within you. But you know that there is nothing you can do about it. It will not change. That person does not want you. It has been made up in their mind that they are looking for something better than you. And it hurts. But you have to move on and accept it. With time your feelings grow for them but you care enough about having them in your life that you swallow hard and drink beers together. This is my sentence. I am repaying that debt to karma that I have accrued for far too long. So I suffer. Because it is only fair.