Christmas lights in September are totally appropriate.

So I've been here almost three months and winter is about to descend on the city like a plague of rats that have been given cheese food stamps and an immunity to anti-vermin drugs. There is no avoiding it. No matter how much I relish the moments of 75 degree weather in my backyard these days are coming to an end. In more ways than just the brisk air that has permeated the NY streets. I have to move out of this apartment. And as much as I've bitched and moaned about this neighborhood I've actually found a bit of a balance here. Sure, I've avoided becoming familiar with Bed-Stuy because I never wanted it to feel like home, but it kind of has. The corner deli at the end of Madison has become a safe haven for me. They know when I enter the door that I want a veggie sandwich and I don't even have to give the specifics of which cheese to put on it anymore. They also began to carry diet coke for me. This was a hard won battle of me whining that I was a frequent enough shopper there that they should accommodate me. I don't even tell the guy at the Chinese place anymore what I want because he always knows I want the vegetables and noodles with extra brown rice and a hearty dose of watercress. It wasn't ever supposed to be home but after three months it is. The huge backyard that is illuminated with Christmas lights where I spend my lonely evenings on my computer, smoking cigarettes and having a beer. Now it's suddenly going to be gone. I love the comfort of this place. And I'm completely unprepared to leave it and now I have an expiration date. Wow I'm screwed.

And now I'm venturing into the unknown. I'm thrilled to be doing so because I do, indeed, dislike the place where I'm living and am seeking to move somewhere that I can exhale sharply without feeling like I'm a red sock in the dryer but it is still removing myself from the familiar in the land of the unfamiliar. Scary on top of crazy. The ultimate bad mixture of girl, as any guy would happily point out.

There is so much happening in my life right now that I feel incredibly unprepared for. I want this job. I want it so badly that if I were a model and this was Victoria Secret I would be laying awake all night wondering if my ass was too fat. You get the idea. But am I ready to transition ten years in the hospitality industry into a career? Am I ready to give up my twenties in the face of my thirties? These are the things I am struggling with. None of my friends are the same age as me and they are certainly not in the same place that I am. I'm left to wonder what lies up ahead and if I am woman enough to handle it.

And the answer is yes. Yes I am.